Tips · Parents

How to talk to your parents, really talk

You know their routines, their opinions on your haircut and how they take their coffee. Maybe not what they wanted at twenty-five. Here’s how to get there.

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Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.

Just for fun№ 28

Think of someone who makes simple meals more fun. What do they do?

Isipin yung taong nagpapasaya kahit simpleng kain lang. Ano yung ginagawa niya?

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A note

A meal does not need to be fancy to feel full of life. Sometimes one person's energy changes the whole mood.

Hindi kailangang fancy ang kain para maging masaya. Minsan energy lang ng isang tao, nag-iiba na yung mood.

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In short

The idea

To have deeper conversations with your parents, start side by side (cooking, driving, a walk), ask about their lives before you were born, and listen without correcting their version of events. Questions about their childhood, their own parents and their early adult years are easier to answer than questions about feelings, and they often lead there.

Go slowly, especially if your family never talked this way. Bring one question, not a list, and share something of your own life too. Some parents answer with stories, food or advice instead of words about feelings. Often, that’s how they say it.

Tips

  1. Start side by side: in the car, in the kitchen, over old photos.
  2. Ask about their life before you; stories come easier than feelings.
  3. Bring one question per visit or call, not a list.
  4. Let their version of the story stand; you’re there to listen, not correct.
  5. Tell them one thing they taught you that stuck.

Decks for this

Why it’s hard

Parents and grown children get stuck in old roles. To them you’re still partly the kid; to you they’re still partly the authority. So conversations default to logistics (who’s coming for the holidays, did the package arrive) because logistics are safe. Underneath, both sides often want more and don’t know how to start.

For kids of immigrant parents there’s often another layer: a language gap, a culture gap, and parents who grew up where you didn’t ask elders personal questions and they didn’t volunteer answers. Many Filipino families show love through food and care more than talk: “Kumain ka na?” (Have you eaten?) can carry everything “I love you” does. Knowing that makes it easier to hear what they’re already saying, and to gently ask for a little more.

Start side by side

Face to face, “Can we talk?” sounds alarming to most parents. Side by side is easier: in the car, cooking together, washing dishes, walking, sorting old photos. Your hands are busy, nobody has to hold eye contact, and the conversation can wander. Plenty of good talks with parents happen on long drives precisely because nobody can leave.

Old photos and objects make especially good openers. Ask about a picture, a dish, a song they always play in the car. The thing gives them something to talk about that isn’t you, them or a problem.

Ask about their life before you

Most adult children know surprisingly little about their parents’ lives before they became parents. That’s where the easy questions are, because they ask for stories rather than feelings.

If a parent is reluctant, ask for help remembering instead: “What year did we move?” “Who lived next door?” Facts warm people up, and the stories tend to follow. A few to start with:

  • “What was your first job, and what did it pay?”
  • “What did you and your friends do on weekends when you were my age?”
  • “How did you two actually meet? The real version.”
  • “What was your mother like when you were small?”
  • “Was there a time you almost took a completely different path?”
  • “At my age, what did you think your life would look like now?”

Listen without correcting

Their stories won’t always match your memory, and their opinions won’t always match yours. If the goal is connection, this isn’t the moment to set the record straight. Let their version be theirs. Ask “What was that like for you?” instead of “That’s not how it happened.”

The same goes for advice. If a parent turns your question into a lecture, steer back gently: “I know. I’m more curious about you right now.” Most parents are surprised, and a little pleased, to be asked about themselves.

Don’t worry if the answers are short at first. A parent who has never been asked these things may need a few tries before the stories start to come.

Share some of yours

A conversation that only goes one way starts to feel like an interview, or a test. Tell them something real about your life: something you’re proud of, something you’re figuring out, something you learned from them. Many parents never hear that a habit or skill they taught actually stuck. Hearing it opens them up faster than any question.

If a hard topic is waiting (an old hurt, a big decision, their health), it doesn’t have to be the first deep conversation. Build some practice with easier ones. When you get there, pick a calm time, say why it matters to you, and listen more than you talk.

Make it a habit, not an event

One big talk rarely changes much; a habit does. Ask one real question every visit, or on every call if they live far away. A video call with parents overseas can be more than “Did you eat? Okay, bye” if you bring one question with you. Some families make it a tradition: one question at Sunday lunch, or one each night of a holiday visit. The kids get used to it, and so do the parents.

Conversation cards help when “So, tell me about your childhood” feels too formal. With Kumustahan, everyone draws a card and takes a turn, so your parents answer questions instead of being interviewed, and you answer too. Every card is in English and Tagalog, which helps when your parents are more at home in one language and you in the other. For a longer list, see questions to ask your parents.

The questions

Questions to ask your parents

Real cards, from everyday things to the questions you may never have asked. Every one is in English and Tagalog.

Start with the everyday

6 questions

Food, habits and the family table.

  1. Choose one food that tastes better when it’s left over for the next day.

    Pumili ng isang pagkain na mas masarap kapag tira siya hanggang kinabukasan.

    Back of the card

    Some food needs an overnight plot twist. Leftovers can be humble, practical, and somehow better than round one.

    May pagkain talaga na mas gumaganda kinabukasan. Simple lang siya, practical, pero minsan mas panalo pa.

  2. Pick one drink that makes an ordinary day feel a little special.

    Pumili ng isang drink na nagpaparamdam na medyo special ang ordinary day.

    Back of the card

    A drink can turn an ordinary pause into a tiny celebration. Sometimes that small upgrade is the whole point.

    Minsan isang drink lang, parang may small celebration na sa ordinary day. Yun na yung tiny upgrade.

  3. Who do you enjoy eating with, even if the food is simple?

    Sino yung masarap kasamang kumain kahit simple lang ang pagkain?

    Back of the card

    The company can change the meal. Some people make even ordinary food feel warmer.

    Iba ang pagkain kapag okay ang kasama. May mga taong kahit simpleng meal, gumagaan yung moment.

  4. At family gatherings, where do you usually end up: helping, chatting, eating, or observing?

    Kapag may family gathering, saan ka usually napupunta: tumutulong, nakikipagkwentuhan, kumakain, o nag-oobserve?

    Back of the card

    Gatherings bring out our natural moves. Some people serve, some talk, some watch, and some happily stay near the food.

    Sa gatherings, lumalabas yung natural move natin. May tumutulong, may nagkukuwento, may nag-oobserve, at may masaya sa tabi ng pagkain.

  5. Think of someone who makes simple meals more fun. What do they do?

    Isipin yung taong nagpapasaya kahit simpleng kain lang. Ano yung ginagawa niya?

    Back of the card

    A meal does not need to be fancy to feel full of life. Sometimes one person's energy changes the whole mood.

    Hindi kailangang fancy ang kain para maging masaya. Minsan energy lang ng isang tao, nag-iiba na yung mood.

  6. Recall the last time you tried something new just because you were curious.

    Ikuwento ang huling beses na sumubok ka ng bago dahil curious ka lang.

    Back of the card

    Would you try it again, or was once enough?

    Susubukan mo ba ulit, o sapat na ang minsan?

Their younger years

5 questions

Stories from before you, or from when you were small.

  1. From when you were younger, what habit or interest do you still carry now?

    Mula nung bata ka, anong habit o hilig ang dala mo pa rin ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Some parts of us do not disappear; they just grow up with us. It can be nice to notice what stayed.

    May parts tayo na hindi naman nawawala; lumalaki lang kasama natin. Nakakatuwang mapansin kung ano yung naiwan.

  2. Tell us about a small thing you can do now that would have amazed you as a kid.

    Kuwento mo yung maliit na bagay na kaya mo na ngayon na maa-amaze ka kung bata ka pa.

    Back of the card

    Progress can look ordinary from the outside. But younger you might know exactly how big that ordinary thing is.

    Mukhang ordinaryo minsan ang progress. Pero baka alam ng batang ikaw kung gaano kalaki yung ordinaryong bagay na yan.

  3. Tell us the funny memory your friends or family still bring up.

    Ikuwento yung funny memory na binabalikan pa rin ng friends o family mo.

    Back of the card

    Some stories become part of a group's archive. If people still bring it up, it probably earned its place.

    May stories na parte na ng group archive. Kapag binabalikan pa rin, malamang deserve niya yung spot.

  4. Describe a moment that stressed you out before but makes you laugh now.

    I-describe yung moment na stressful dati pero natatawa ka na ngayon.

    Back of the card

    Some stressful moments lose their sharp edges with time. Once the panic fades, the story sometimes becomes surprisingly funny.

    May stressful moments na lumalambot habang tumatagal. Kapag wala na yung panic, minsan funny story na siya.

  5. As you got older, which habit at home started to make more sense to you?

    Habang tumatanda ka, anong habit sa bahay ninyo ang mas nagme-make sense na sa'yo ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Getting older can change the way you see home. A habit may look different once you know more of the story.

    Habang tumatanda, nag-iiba rin minsan ang tingin natin sa bahay. May habit na mas naiintindihan kapag alam mo na ang kuwento.

The things you never asked

7 questions

For a quiet evening, when there’s time.

  1. Who taught you a useful skill or habit you still use in daily life?

    Sino yung nagturo sa'yo ng useful skill o habit na gamit mo pa rin sa daily life?

    Back of the card

    Practical lessons are easy to overlook, but they stay close. They show up in the small ways you move through a day.

    Madaling ma-overlook ang practical lessons, pero dala-dala mo pala. Lumalabas sila sa maliliit mong galaw araw-araw.

  2. Tell us about something you used to avoid that feels less scary now.

    Kuwento mo yung dati mong iniiwasan pero hindi na ganun ka-scary ngayon.

    Back of the card

    Less scary is still movement. You do not have to be fearless to know something has changed.

    Movement pa rin ang less scary. Hindi mo kailangang maging fearless para malaman na may nagbago.

  3. Name something that matters to you more now than it used to.

    Magsabi ng isang bagay na mas mahalaga na sa'yo ngayon kaysa dati.

    Back of the card

    What matters can change as you grow. That shift is not betrayal; it may be a clearer kind of honesty.

    Puwedeng magbago ang mahalaga habang naggo-grow ka. Hindi agad betrayal yun; baka mas malinaw na honesty.

  4. If you could tell your younger self one piece of good news, what would it be?

    Kung may isang good news kang masasabi sa batang ikaw, ano yun?

    Back of the card

    This is a gentle way to name progress. Not everything is fixed, but maybe there is something younger you would smile about.

    Gentle way ito para makita yung progress. Hindi man ayos lahat, baka may isang bagay na ikakangiti ng batang ikaw.

  5. Which version of your past self are you starting to understand more now?

    Aling version ng past self mo ang nagsisimula mong mas maintindihan ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Understanding your past self does not erase what happened. It can soften the way you hold the person you were.

    Hindi binubura ng understanding ang nangyari. Pero puwede nitong palambutin kung paano mo hinahawakan yung dating ikaw.

  6. If a friend said you have changed in a good way, what change would you hope they noticed?

    Kung sabihin ng friend mo na nagbago ka in a good way, anong change ang sana napansin nila?

    Back of the card

    The change you hope someone notices may point to what you have been quietly practicing.

    Yung change na sana mapansin nila baka yun yung tahimik mong pinapractice nitong season.

  7. Finish this sentence: “In this next season, I hope I get to experience...”

    Tapusin mo yung sentence: “Sa next season, sana ma-experience ko...”

    Back of the card

    This sentence can stay small or open wide. Either way, it gives your hope a place to begin.

    Puwedeng maliit lang o biglang lumawak yung sentence. Either way, may starting point yung hope mo.

How to talk to your parents

Frequently asked questions

How do you have a deeper conversation with your parents?

Start with questions about their own life (their childhood, first job, how they met) while doing something together, like cooking or driving. Listen without correcting, share something of yours, and make it a habit rather than one big talk.

What should I ask my parents before it’s too late?

Ask about their childhood, their own parents, the choices that shaped their lives, what they’re proud of and what they’d tell their younger selves. Write down or record the answers if they’re happy for you to.

How do I talk to my immigrant parents?

Be patient with the language and culture gap, and start with stories about where they grew up rather than feelings. Many immigrant parents show love through care and food more than words, so a shared meal is often the right place to begin.

Why is it hard to talk to my parents as an adult?

Old roles linger: they still see the kid, you still see the authority, and conversations stay on safe logistics. Asking about their life as a person, not as a parent, helps both sides step out of those roles.

Is there a conversation game to play with parents?

Kumustahan is a conversation card app with 1,200 questions in English and Tagalog across 7 decks, including Getting to know and Reflect decks that work well with parents. 420 cards are free.

Bring a better question to the table.

Free on iPhone and Android. 420 cards free, no account, works offline.

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