Guide · The 36 questions
The “36 questions to fall in love”, explained
You’ve probably seen the list: 36 questions, three sets, and a promise that two strangers can fall in love by the end. Here’s what the original study actually tested, how a 2015 essay made it famous, and what it means for your next conversation.
Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.
Tell us about a place that left a memory or feeling you still carry.
Ikuwento yung lugar na may iniwang memory o feeling na dala mo pa rin.
Some places stay with us quietly. You may not notice it right away, but later you realize you carried something from there.
May mga lugar na tahimik lang ang iniiwan sa atin. Hindi mo agad napapansin, pero may dala ka pala mula roon.
In short
The idea
The “36 questions to fall in love” come from a 1997 psychology study by Arthur Aron and colleagues that set out to create closeness between strangers in a lab, not romance. Pairs took turns answering three sets of increasingly personal questions for about 45 minutes, and they reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk.
The questions became famous in 2015, when Mandy Len Catron wrote about trying them on a date in the New York Times’ Modern Love column. Since then they’ve been passed around as a love recipe. The real finding is more modest and more useful: people grow closer when they take turns sharing, a little more each time.
Tips
- Both of you answer every question, and take turns going first.
- Spend about the same time on easy, middle and deeper questions.
- Agree before you start that either of you can skip.
- Do it in person, with at least 45 minutes free.
- Treat it as a way to get closer, not a love test.
Decks for this
The 1997 study
The paper is “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings” by Arthur Aron and colleagues (E. Melinat, E. N. Aron, R. D. Vallone and R. J. Bator), published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1997. The researchers wanted a reliable way to make two strangers feel close in a short lab session, so they could study closeness itself.
Their procedure: pairs of participants who didn’t know each other spent about 45 minutes on self-disclosure tasks that escalated gradually, organized as three sets of questions with roughly fifteen minutes for each. Both people answered every question, taking turns. A comparison group spent the same time on small-talk questions.
The escalating pairs reported more closeness afterward than the small-talk pairs. In further studies, the effect held whether or not the pairs agreed on important attitudes, whether or not they expected to like each other, and whether or not getting close was the stated goal. The authors were careful about the limits: a 45-minute exercise can create a feeling of closeness, but they thought it unlikely to create things like loyalty or commitment that take longer to build.
The 2015 Modern Love essay
In January 2015, writer Mandy Len Catron published “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in the New York Times. She described trying the questions with a university acquaintance, finishing with four minutes of looking into each other’s eyes, and the two of them falling in love.
The essay went viral, and with it the idea that the questions are a formula for love. Catron herself was more careful than the headlines: she credited the questions with creating the conditions for closeness, and the two of them with choosing to act on it.
What it actually shows
Strip away the romance and the study gives three practical lessons for any conversation:
- Escalate gradually. Light questions first, personal ones later. A personal question asked cold feels like an intrusion; the same question after twenty minutes of trading answers feels natural.
- Take turns. Both people answer every question. Later research summarized by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center found that pairs who alternated sharing liked each other more than pairs where one person did all the talking.
- Give it time. Forty-five unhurried minutes is longer than most conversations get. Depth needs room.
It works for friendships too, not just dates. Researchers have used versions of the exercise to help students from different backgrounds build friendships.
If you want to try the original
The full list of questions and instructions is published by Greater Good in Action. A few things make it go better: do it in person with at least 45 minutes free, alternate who answers first, give each set about the same time, and agree beforehand that either of you can skip a question.
Be aware that some of the later questions touch on family and painful memories. With a near-stranger, that can be a lot. It’s fine to soften or skip them.
A gentler way to do the same thing
Kumustahan wasn’t built to make anyone fall in love. But it works on the same idea: start easy, take turns, and go deeper only when you’re both ready. In setup you choose a depth (Keep it light, Open up or Go deeper), so a first date can stay light and a long-married couple can go straight to the deeper cards. Any card can be passed, and each has a short reflection on the back to read after you both answer.
The cards on this page are arranged like the study’s three sets. Read one, both of you answer, then move to the next. For more on depth, see how to have deep conversations.
The questions
A gentler way: three depths of questions
These are Kumustahan cards, not the 36 questions. They climb the same way, from easy to personal, and anyone can pass. Both of you answer each one.
Like the first set: easy and open
5 questions
Small, friendly questions to get comfortable.
-
Who do you enjoy eating with, even if the food is simple?
Sino yung masarap kasamang kumain kahit simple lang ang pagkain?
Back of the card
The company can change the meal. Some people make even ordinary food feel warmer.
Iba ang pagkain kapag okay ang kasama. May mga taong kahit simpleng meal, gumagaan yung moment.
-
What food is hard for you to say no to?
Anong pagkain ang hirap mong tanggihan?
Back of the card
Food answers can be light, but they usually carry a little story: comfort, habit, craving, or someone who introduced it.
Light lang ang food answer, pero madalas may kasamang kuwento: comfort, habit, craving, o taong nagpakilala nito sa'yo.
-
If money were no problem, how would you spend a Saturday with nothing you had to do?
Kung walang kailangang gawin at hindi problema ang pera, paano mo gagamitin ang isang Sabado?
Back of the card
Picture the end of your Saturday. What would make you wish it were still morning?
Isipin ang katapusan ng Sabado mo. Bakit mo gugustuhing umaga pa lang?
-
When you meet a new friend or group, how do you usually get comfortable?
Kapag may bago kang friend o group, paano ka usually nagiging comfortable?
Back of the card
People warm up at different speeds. Some start with jokes, some with listening, some by quietly showing up again.
Iba-iba ang pace ng pag-warm up. May dumadaan sa jokes, may sa pakikinig, at may tahimik lang na bumabalik ulit.
-
What is one thing you like that you no longer feel the need to explain?
Ano yung isang bagay na gusto mo na hindi mo na kailangang i-explain?
Back of the card
Some preferences do not need a courtroom defense. They can simply be yours, confidently and without a long speech.
May preferences na hindi kailangan ng courtroom defense. Sa'yo lang siya, confident, walang mahabang explanation.
Like the second set: stories and people
6 questions
Memories and the people who shaped you.
-
Tell us about a place that left a memory or feeling you still carry.
Ikuwento yung lugar na may iniwang memory o feeling na dala mo pa rin.
Back of the card
Some places stay with us quietly. You may not notice it right away, but later you realize you carried something from there.
May mga lugar na tahimik lang ang iniiwan sa atin. Hindi mo agad napapansin, pero may dala ka pala mula roon.
-
From when you were younger, what habit or interest do you still carry now?
Mula nung bata ka, anong habit o hilig ang dala mo pa rin ngayon?
Back of the card
Some parts of us do not disappear; they just grow up with us. It can be nice to notice what stayed.
May parts tayo na hindi naman nawawala; lumalaki lang kasama natin. Nakakatuwang mapansin kung ano yung naiwan.
-
How did your first impression of a friend change once you got to know them?
Anong first impression mo sa isang friend ang nagbago nang makilala mo sila?
Back of the card
You can finish: “I thought they were..., then I noticed...”
Puwedeng ituloy: “Akala ko..., tapos napansin ko...”
-
Who knows what you like, and what do they usually get right for you?
Sino yung alam ang gusto mo, at ano yung madalas nilang natatama para sa'yo?
Back of the card
Being known can feel ordinary like that. Someone remembers your usual, your no-thanks, or the thing you always reach for.
Minsan ganun kasimple yung feeling na kilala ka. May nakakaalala ng usual mo, ayaw mo, o lagi mong pinipili.
-
Share the first time you did something on your own and felt more capable afterward.
Ikuwento ang unang beses mong gumawa ng isang bagay mag-isa at naisip mong, "Kaya ko pala."
Back of the card
Finish if you like: "That was when I realized I could..."
Kung gusto mo, ituloy: "Doon ko naisip na kaya ko palang..."
-
When did you realize a habit you already had was helping you?
Kailan mo na-realize na nakakatulong pala yung habit na meron ka na?
Back of the card
Helpful habits are not always dramatic. Sometimes you only notice them when life feels a little easier because they are there.
Hindi laging dramatic ang helpful habits. Minsan mo lang sila napapansin kapag mas gumagaan ang life dahil nandiyan sila.
Like the third set: closer
6 questions
For when you both want to go there. Passing is always fine.
-
If you could tell your younger self one piece of good news, what would it be?
Kung may isang good news kang masasabi sa batang ikaw, ano yun?
Back of the card
This is a gentle way to name progress. Not everything is fixed, but maybe there is something younger you would smile about.
Gentle way ito para makita yung progress. Hindi man ayos lahat, baka may isang bagay na ikakangiti ng batang ikaw.
-
If a friend said you have changed in a good way, what change would you hope they noticed?
Kung sabihin ng friend mo na nagbago ka in a good way, anong change ang sana napansin nila?
Back of the card
The change you hope someone notices may point to what you have been quietly practicing.
Yung change na sana mapansin nila baka yun yung tahimik mong pinapractice nitong season.
-
Name something you want to be known for by people close to you.
Magsabi ng isang bagay na gusto mong maalala sa'yo ng mga taong close sa'yo.
Back of the card
The way you want to be known can reveal what you value. It can also guide one small choice today.
Yung gusto mong maalala nila sa'yo, may pinapakitang value. Puwede rin siyang gumabay sa isang maliit na choice today.
-
Name one small wish you have for yourself this year.
Ano yung isang maliit na wish mo para sa sarili mo this year?
Back of the card
Small wishes can still be honest. They may be easier to say out loud because they do not demand a perfect life.
Maliit man yung wish, honest pa rin. Minsan mas madaling sabihin kasi hindi niya hinihingi na perfect ang buhay.
-
Name one good thing you are quietly hoping for.
Magsabi ng isang good thing na tahimik mong hinihiling lately.
Back of the card
Quiet hopes still deserve room. Saying them gently can remind you that wanting good things is not foolish.
May lugar din ang tahimik na hopes. Kapag nasabi mo sila nang gentle, naaalala mong hindi foolish ang umasa sa mabuti.
-
Which version of your past self are you starting to understand more now?
Aling version ng past self mo ang nagsisimula mong mas maintindihan ngayon?
Back of the card
Understanding your past self does not erase what happened. It can soften the way you hold the person you were.
Hindi binubura ng understanding ang nangyari. Pero puwede nitong palambutin kung paano mo hinahawakan yung dating ikaw.
The 36 questions, explained
Frequently asked questions
What are the 36 questions to fall in love?
A set of 36 questions in three increasingly personal sets, from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues. Strangers who took turns answering them for about 45 minutes reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk.
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
The study measured closeness, not love, and its authors noted that a short exercise can’t create commitment. The questions can help two people feel close quickly; whether that becomes love depends on much more.
Who made the 36 questions famous?
Writer Mandy Len Catron, in a January 2015 Modern Love essay in the New York Times, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” describing trying the questions on a date.
Is there an app like the 36 questions?
Kumustahan is a conversation card app that works on the same idea: you choose a depth, take turns answering, and go deeper only when you’re ready. 420 cards are free, offline, with no account.
Bring a better question to the table.
Free on iPhone and Android. 420 cards free, no account, works offline.