Tips · Everyday
What to say instead of “How are you?”
“How are you?” is a greeting dressed up as a question. Everyone knows the answer is “good, you?” If you actually want to know, you have to ask something else.
Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.
Which kind of rest would help you most this week?
Anong klaseng pahinga ang pinaka-makakatulong sa'yo this week?
Rest is not always sleep. Sometimes it is quiet, help, laughter, less noise, or permission to stop proving.
Hindi laging tulog ang pahinga. Minsan quiet, tulong, tawanan, less noise, o permiso na tumigil muna sa pagpapatunay.
In short
The idea
If you want a real answer, ask something more specific than “How are you?”: “How are you today?”, “What’s been taking up most of your energy?” or “What’s the best thing that happened this week?” A specific question tells the other person you’re actually asking, not just saying hello.
Which one to use depends on who you’re talking to. A coworker in the hallway needs something light; a friend in a hard season needs something gentler and more open.
Good for
Tips
- Add “today” for someone going through something big.
- Ask about energy if feelings are hard to name.
- Be specific: lunch, the week, the project.
- Only ask a real question when you have time to listen.
- Accept the automatic answer without pushing.
Decks for this
Alternatives by situation
| Situation | Try | Why it works |
|---|---|---|
| Coworker in passing | “What are you working on today?” | Light, easy, and about now |
| Start of a meeting | “What’s one good thing from your week?” | Gets a real answer in one sentence |
| Friend in a hard season | “How are you doing today?” | Today is smaller than everything |
| Text to an old friend | “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” | Easy to answer without a summary |
| Call with a parent | “What did you have for lunch?” | Specific, warm, starts a story |
| Someone grieving | “I’ve been thinking about you. How’s this week been?” | Says you care before you ask |
The power of “today”
For someone going through something big, like an illness, a loss or a breakup, “How are you?” is almost impossible to answer. The honest answer is long and hard, so they give the short one. Adding “today” changes everything. It asks about something manageable, gives permission for today to be bad or okay, and doesn’t demand a report on the whole situation.
Ask about energy, not feelings
Many people find feelings questions hard to answer on the spot. Energy questions are easier: “What’s been draining you lately?” or “What’s been giving you energy?” They get at the same thing, without asking someone to name an emotion in the hallway.
If you ask, mean it
Asking a real question and then glancing at your phone is worse than the automatic greeting. If you have only thirty seconds, stick to “Hi, good to see you.” Save the real question for when you can stop and listen to the answer.
And if they give you the automatic answer anyway, that’s okay. Sometimes people aren’t ready, or don’t want to talk at work. You’ve signaled that you’re someone they can talk to later. For more on that, see how to check in on someone.
The questions
Questions that get past “good, you?”
Real cards from the app, from light to gentle.
Light, for anyone
5 questions
Easy enough for a coworker or a neighbor.
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Pick a mascot for your current mood: sleepy, dramatic, cheerful, chaotic, or something else.
Pumili ng mascot para sa current mood mo: sleepy, dramatic, cheerful, chaotic, o iba pa.
Back of the card
Current mood is sometimes easier to explain through a mascot. It can be tired, dramatic, cheerful, or strangely accurate.
Minsan mas madaling i-explain ang current mood gamit mascot. Puwedeng pagod, dramatic, cheerful, o weirdly accurate.
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What word would describe your week so far?
Anong word ang babagay sa week mo so far?
Back of the card
Sometimes one word is enough to begin. Naming the week can help you notice what your heart has been carrying.
Minsan sapat na ang isang word para makapagsimula. Kapag napangalanan mo ang week mo, mas nakikita mo kung ano ang bitbit mo.
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Which small plan are you looking forward to?
Anong small plan ang nilu-look forward mo?
Back of the card
Looking forward to something simple can help a week feel kinder. Small plans are allowed to matter.
Nakakagaan ng week kapag may simpleng nilu-look forward. Puwedeng maging mahalaga kahit maliit na plan lang.
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Name one tiny habit that has been helping you lately.
Magsabi ng isang tiny habit na nakakatulong sa'yo lately.
Back of the card
Small habits can hold more weight than they look like. Notice the quiet things that help you keep going.
May bigat din ang maliit na habit. Pansinin yung tahimik na bagay na tumutulong sa'yo magpatuloy.
-
After a tiring day, would you rather get a funny message, a call, or a quiet hangout?
Pagkatapos ng nakakapagod na araw, mas gusto mo ba ng funny message, tawag, o tahimik na bonding?
Back of the card
Choose the first five minutes: a little catching up, a little laughter, or no talking yet.
Piliin ang unang limang minuto: kumustahan, tawanan, o wala munang usapan.
For a friend going through it
5 questions
Gentle questions that don’t demand a full report.
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Which kind of rest would help you most this week?
Anong klaseng pahinga ang pinaka-makakatulong sa'yo this week?
Back of the card
Rest is not always sleep. Sometimes it is quiet, help, laughter, less noise, or permission to stop proving.
Hindi laging tulog ang pahinga. Minsan quiet, tulong, tawanan, less noise, o permiso na tumigil muna sa pagpapatunay.
-
Tell us about a small routine that helps you feel okay when your day feels off.
Ikuwento yung small routine na tumutulong sa'yo maging okay kapag off ang araw mo.
Back of the card
A routine does not have to be impressive to help. Sometimes familiar steps are enough to help you find your footing again.
Hindi kailangang impressive ang routine para makatulong. Minsan sapat na yung familiar na steps para makabalik ka sa okay.
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Name one expectation of yourself that feels too heavy lately.
Magsabi ng isang expectation mo sa sarili mo na parang ang bigat lately.
Back of the card
Some expectations sound responsible but leave no room to breathe. You can ask whether they are still fair.
May expectations na responsible pakinggan pero walang space huminga. Puwede mong tanungin kung fair pa ba sila.
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Describe what you usually do when you feel emotionally or mentally full.
I-describe kung ano usually mong ginagawa kapag emotionally or mentally puno ka na.
Back of the card
Your first response to being full can teach you a lot. It may be asking for gentleness, space, or help.
May tinuturo yung unang response mo kapag puno ka na. Baka kailangan mo ng lambing, space, o tulong.
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Name one small part of today that felt okay.
Magbanggit ng isang maliit na part ng araw mo na okay naman.
Back of the card
An okay moment still counts. It does not have to fix the whole day to be worth noticing.
Bilang pa rin ang okay na moment. Hindi niya kailangang ayusin ang buong araw para mapansin mo siya.
About something specific
5 questions
Good news, plans and what’s next.
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How would you like friends to react when you share good news?
Paano mo gustong mag-react ang friends kapag may good news ka?
Back of the card
A loud cheer or a quiet “I'm happy for you” — which fits this news?
Malakas na cheer o tahimik na “Masaya ako para sa'yo” — alin ang bagay sa balitang ito?
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What are you looking forward to over the next few weeks?
Ano ang inaabangan mo sa susunod na mga linggo?
Back of the card
Finish if you like: "The part I cannot wait for is..."
Kung gusto mo, ituloy: "Ang pinaka-inaabangan ko ay..."
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Name one thing that would make next month feel a little lighter.
Magbanggit ng isang bagay na makakatulong para mas gumaan nang konti ang next month.
Back of the card
A lighter month does not have to mean a perfect one. Even one less weight can change how a season feels.
Hindi kailangang perfect ang mas magaan na month. Kahit isang bawas na bigat, iba na ang pakiramdam ng season.
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Where do you need a little more courage this week?
Saan mo kailangan ng konting dagdag courage this week?
Back of the card
Courage does not always look big. Sometimes it is one honest message, one boundary, or one careful next step.
Hindi laging malaki ang courage. Minsan isang honest message, isang boundary, o isang maingat na next step lang.
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How would you like a friend to respond when you are too tired to join a plan?
Kapag sobrang pagod ka para sumama, paano mo gustong mag-react ang friend sa pagtanggi mo?
Back of the card
Missing one plan does not mean you want to stop being invited.
Hindi ibig sabihin na ayaw mo nang yayain kapag hindi ka nakasama minsan.
What to ask instead of “How are you?”
Frequently asked questions
What can I ask instead of “How are you?”
Try “How are you today?”, “What’s been taking up your energy lately?” or “What’s the best thing that happened this week?” Specific questions show you really want to know.
What do you say to someone going through a hard time instead of how are you?
“How are you doing today?” is easier to answer than “How are you?”, because it asks about one day, not the whole situation. Saying you’ve been thinking of them first also helps.
Why do people always say “good” when asked how they are?
Because “How are you?” usually works as a greeting, not a question. The automatic answer is polite. A more specific question signals that you actually want to hear.
Bring a better question to the table.
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