Tips · Feelings
How to talk about feelings when you never learned how
Plenty of us grew up in homes where feelings were handled by not mentioning them. Talking about them as an adult is a skill, and like any skill, it starts with small reps.
Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.
What has your body or mood been telling you these days?
Ano ang sinasabi ng katawan o mood mo sa'yo lately?
Your tiredness, restlessness, or steadiness can give honest signals. Listening can help you choose with more care, not just more effort.
Yung pagod, restlessness, o pagiging steady mo pwedeng magbigay ng honest signals. Kapag pinakinggan mo, mas makakapili ka nang may care, hindi puro effort lang.
In short
The idea
To talk about feelings, start with a small one and name it in plain words: “I’m a bit anxious about tomorrow” is a complete, honest sentence. You don’t need a full explanation or a perfect word. A number from one to ten, a weather report or “something’s off” are all fine places to start.
This is for people who find it hard, and for anyone trying to help a partner, friend or family member open up. It isn’t therapy, and if feelings are overwhelming you, a counselor is the right next step.
Good for
Tips
- Practice on small, everyday feelings first.
- Use a number or a weather word if a feeling word won’t come.
- Say what your body is doing if you can’t name the emotion.
- When someone shares, reflect it back instead of fixing it.
- Make it a small regular habit, not a big talk.
Decks for this
Why it feels so hard
If nobody around you named feelings when you were growing up, you may not have the words, or you may associate saying them with being a burden or looking weak. Your body still has the feelings; you just learned to skip the part where you mention them.
Knowing that helps. The goal isn’t to become someone who talks about emotions all day. It’s to be able to say the important ones to the people who matter.
Start with small, everyday feelings
Don’t begin with the biggest thing you’ve never said. Practice on low-stakes feelings: annoyed at the traffic, nervous about a call, pleased about a small win. Saying “I was really proud of that” out loud about something minor builds the muscle for the bigger moments.
Tools that make it easier
A few ways in for people who freeze when asked “How do you feel?”:
- A number: “On a scale of one to ten, I’m a five today.” Then: “What would make it a six?”
- A weather report: sunny, cloudy, stormy, foggy. Kids and adults both find this easier than naming an emotion.
- Body first: “My shoulders are tight and I can’t focus” is often easier to say than “I’m stressed”, and it means the same thing.
- Write it first: a text or a note can say what’s hard to say face to face. You can talk about it after.
- Side by side: on a walk or in the car, where you don’t have to look at anyone.
When someone tells you how they feel
The way you respond decides whether they’ll try again. Resist the urge to fix it, argue with it (“You shouldn’t feel that way”) or top it with your own story. Instead, reflect it back and ask one gentle question: “That sounds frustrating. What part is getting to you most?”
If you don’t know what to say, “Thank you for telling me” is always right.
Make it a habit, not an event
A big, scheduled feelings talk can feel like a summons. A small daily or weekly check-in is easier: one question over dinner, a number at bedtime, a quick “how’s your heart this week?” with a friend. Conversation cards help here because the question comes from the card, not from you, which takes some of the pressure off both people.
The questions
Gentle questions about feelings
Real cards from the app’s Reflect deck and others. Start at the top; anyone can pass.
Warm-ups: the weather report
4 questions
Small, quick ways to say how you’re doing.
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What word would describe your week so far?
Anong word ang babagay sa week mo so far?
Back of the card
Sometimes one word is enough to begin. Naming the week can help you notice what your heart has been carrying.
Minsan sapat na ang isang word para makapagsimula. Kapag napangalanan mo ang week mo, mas nakikita mo kung ano ang bitbit mo.
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Which part of your personality has been showing up more lately?
Anong part ng personality mo ang mas lumalabas lately?
Back of the card
The parts showing up may be asking to be noticed, used, or cared for. Curiosity can be a gentle start.
Yung parts na mas lumalabas, baka gusto lang mapansin, magamit, o maalagaan. Puwedeng curiosity muna ang start.
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Which part of your day do you look forward to?
Anong part ng araw mo ang inaabangan mo?
Back of the card
The part you look forward to can be a clue. It shows where your day still gives you a little life.
Clue din yung part na inaabangan mo. Ipinapakita niya kung saan may konting buhay pa sa araw mo.
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Which part of the day usually feels easiest for you?
Anong part ng araw usually pinaka-madali para sa'yo?
Back of the card
Some people come alive in the morning, some at night, and some during one quiet pocket in between.
May taong buhay na buhay sa umaga, may gabi ang favorite, at may isang tahimik na part lang sa gitna na hinihintay.
Naming what’s there
6 questions
For when you’re ready to say a bit more.
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What has your body or mood been telling you these days?
Ano ang sinasabi ng katawan o mood mo sa'yo lately?
Back of the card
Your tiredness, restlessness, or steadiness can give honest signals. Listening can help you choose with more care, not just more effort.
Yung pagod, restlessness, o pagiging steady mo pwedeng magbigay ng honest signals. Kapag pinakinggan mo, mas makakapili ka nang may care, hindi puro effort lang.
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Which kind of rest would help you most this week?
Anong klaseng pahinga ang pinaka-makakatulong sa'yo this week?
Back of the card
Rest is not always sleep. Sometimes it is quiet, help, laughter, less noise, or permission to stop proving.
Hindi laging tulog ang pahinga. Minsan quiet, tulong, tawanan, less noise, o permiso na tumigil muna sa pagpapatunay.
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Where are you spending energy that you wish you could save?
Saan napupunta ang energy mo na sana naiipon mo na lang?
Back of the card
Energy is limited, even when love or responsibility is real. Noticing the drain is the first step toward caring for it.
Limited ang energy, kahit totoo ang love o responsibility. Kapag napansin mo kung saan ka nauubos, mas maalagaan mo siya.
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Name one small choice that keeps affecting your mood, like sleep, food, screen time, movement, or who you talk to.
Magbanggit ng isang small choice na paulit-ulit na nakakaapekto sa mood mo, like tulog, food, screen time, galaw, o kung sino ang kausap mo.
Back of the card
Small choices become loud when they repeat. Noticing one can give you a kinder place to start.
Lumalaki ang epekto ng maliit na choice kapag paulit-ulit. Kapag napansin mo ang isa, may mas gentle kang starting point.
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Which fear gets smaller when you talk about it?
Anong takot ang gumagaan kapag naikukwento mo?
Back of the card
Some fears grow in silence and shrink in safe air. Talking can help you see their true size.
May takot na lumalaki kapag tahimik lang. Kapag naikuwento sa safe na lugar, mas nakikita mo ang totoong laki niya.
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Pick one feeling you have today. What would you say to a friend who felt that too?
Pumili ng isang feeling mo today. Ano ang sasabihin mo sa friend na ganun din ang nararamdaman?
Back of the card
Sometimes your gentlest wisdom shows up first for someone else. It may be allowed to come back to you too.
Minsan mas mabilis lumabas ang lambing natin para sa iba. Baka puwede ring bumalik sa'yo yung same na wisdom.
Being kinder about it
5 questions
Questions about how you treat yourself.
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Pick one small kindness you can give yourself today.
Pumili ng isang maliit na kindness na kaya mong ibigay sa sarili mo today.
Back of the card
Kindness does not need to be grand to be real. A small mercy can still change how the day feels.
Hindi kailangang bongga ang kindness para maging totoo. Kahit maliit na mercy, puwedeng baguhin ang feel ng araw.
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How do you talk to yourself when you fall short?
Paano ka makipag-usap sa sarili mo kapag nagkukulang ka?
Back of the card
The voice you use with yourself matters. It can either add weight or make room for a wiser next step.
Mahalaga yung boses na gamit mo sa sarili mo. Puwede siyang magdagdag ng bigat o magbigay ng space para sa mas wise na next step.
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Name one mistake you are ready to stop replaying so much.
Magsabi ng isang mistake na ready ka nang hindi paulit-ulit i-replay.
Back of the card
A mistake can teach without taking over the whole story. You can remember the lesson without replaying the hurt.
Puwedeng may tinuro ang mistake nang hindi siya ang buong story. Puwede mong tandaan ang lesson nang hindi inuulit ang sakit.
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What ordinary choice could look like self-forgiveness for you this week?
Anong ordinary choice ang puwedeng maging itsura ng self-forgiveness para sa'yo this week?
Back of the card
Forgiveness can become practical. It may look like rest, a different response, or no longer using the past as a weapon.
Puwedeng maging practical ang forgiveness. Baka pahinga, ibang response, o hindi na gawing weapon ang past laban sa sarili.
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Where do you need to be less harsh with yourself?
Saan mo kailangang bawasan ang pagiging harsh sa sarili mo?
Back of the card
Being less harsh does not mean caring less. It can mean choosing a voice that helps you keep moving honestly.
Hindi ibig sabihin na wala kang pakialam kapag hindi ka harsh. Baka mas helpful lang ang boses na hindi ka dinudurog.
How to talk about feelings
Frequently asked questions
How do I talk about my feelings if I don’t know how?
Start small and plain. Say one sentence about a minor feeling, use a number from one to ten, or describe what your body is doing. It gets easier with practice.
How can I help someone talk about their feelings?
Pick a calm, private moment, ask a small question, and respond by reflecting what you heard instead of fixing it. “Thank you for telling me” goes a long way.
Why is it so hard to express emotions?
Often because we grew up where feelings weren’t named, or we worry about being a burden. It’s a learned skill, and anyone can start learning it at any age.
Bring a better question to the table.
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