Questions · First year of marriage

Questions for the first year of marriage, one check-in at a time

Questions for married couples in year one, set out as three check-ins. Around month three, the routines you’re forming. Around six, the first frictions. Around twelve, what you’ve built and where to go next.

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Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.

Couples№ 36

What are small things we can do to move from work mode into us time?

Ano yung maliliit na bagay na puwede nating gawin para lumipat from work mode to us time?

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A note

The shift does not have to be big. A small routine can help both of you arrive, settle, and feel like partners again.

Hindi kailangang malaki yung pag-shift. Minsan small routine lang ang tumutulong sa inyong dumating, kumalma, at maramdaman na partners ulit kayo.

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The questions

17 questions for your first year of marriage

Every question in English and Filipino/Tagalog, word for word from the Kumustahan decks. Open “Back of the card” for the reflection printed on the other side.

Around month three: routines

5 questions

What a normal week together is turning into.

  1. What ordinary routine of ours would you miss if it disappeared?

    Anong ordinary routine natin ang mami-miss mo kung ito ay mawawala?

    Back of the card

    Routines can feel small until they are gone. They quietly hold the shape of your life together.

    Mukhang maliit ang routines hanggang mawala sila. Tahimik nilang binubuo yung feeling ng buhay ninyong magkasama.

  2. What are small things we can do to move from work mode into us time?

    Ano yung maliliit na bagay na puwede nating gawin para lumipat from work mode to us time?

    Back of the card

    The shift does not have to be big. A small routine can help both of you arrive, settle, and feel like partners again.

    Hindi kailangang malaki yung pag-shift. Minsan small routine lang ang tumutulong sa inyong dumating, kumalma, at maramdaman na partners ulit kayo.

  3. Describe a tiny routine you do even if nobody notices.

    I-describe yung tiny routine mo kahit walang nakakapansin.

    Back of the card

    Tiny routines can be private proof that you have your own way of moving through the day.

    Yung tiny routines, private proof minsan na may sarili kang way gumalaw sa araw, sa sarili mong style.

  4. Which simple friendship tradition would you like to keep even when everyone gets busier?

    Anong nakasanayan ninyong gawin ng friends mo ang gusto mong ituloy kahit maging mas busy kayo?

    Back of the card

    What would be the easiest version to keep on a busy week?

    Ano ang pinakamadaling bersiyon nito kapag busy ang linggo?

  5. What is one moment this week when you felt close to me?

    Ano yung moment this week na naramdaman mong malapit tayo?

    Back of the card

    Closeness often hides inside normal moments: a look, a joke, a ride, a shared meal, or a quiet check-in.

    Madalas nasa normal moments ang closeness: tingin, joke, byahe, sabay kumain, o simpleng check-in.

Around month six: first frictions

5 questions

Fairness, tension and how you get back on track.

  1. What part of our life needs more fairness, and feels safe enough to talk about calmly?

    Anong part ng buhay natin ang kailangan ng mas fairness, at kaya nating pag-usapan nang kalmado?

    Back of the card

    Fairness is easier to talk about when it is specific. One calm area is better than opening every frustration at once.

    Mas madaling pag-usapan ang fairness kapag specific. Mas okay ang isang kalmadong area kaysa sabay-sabay na buksan lahat ng frustration.

  2. During tension, what do I do that helps keep things from getting worse?

    Kapag may tension, ano yung ginagawa ko na nakakatulong para hindi lumala ang usapan?

    Back of the card

    In conflict, small helpful moves matter. They can slow things down before the conversation turns into hurting each other.

    Sa conflict, mahalaga ang small helpful moves. Pinapabagal nila ang usapan bago ito mauwi sa saktan.

  3. What small action helps us reconnect after a misunderstanding?

    Anong maliit na action ang tumutulong sa atin mag-reconnect after a misunderstanding?

    Back of the card

    Reconnecting does not erase what happened. It helps both of you return to the conversation with a little more care.

    Hindi binubura ng pag-reconnect ang nangyari. Tinutulungan lang kayong bumalik sa usapan nang may mas care.

  4. What might you need to say no to, pause, or limit so your week feels lighter?

    Ano yung kailangan mong hihindian, i-pause, o limitahan para mas gumaan ang week mo?

    Back of the card

    A boundary is not always a wall. Sometimes it is a small line that helps you stay present and honest.

    Hindi laging pader ang boundary. Minsan maliit na line lang siya para mas present at honest ka.

  5. When plans change, how do you decide what to keep, drop, or adjust?

    Kapag nagbago ang plans, paano mo dini-decide kung ano ang itutuloy, bibitawan, o ia-adjust?

    Back of the card

    Changed plans show priorities quickly. Sometimes the real answer is comfort, people, responsibility, peace, or simply energy.

    Kapag nagbago ang plans, mabilis lumabas ang priorities. Minsan comfort, tao, responsibility, peace, o energy lang talaga.

Around month twelve: looking back

4 questions

Name what is better now than when you started.

  1. What has gotten better in the way we talk to each other?

    Ano yung mas gumanda sa paraan natin mag-usap?

    Back of the card

    Improvement deserves to be noticed. It gives both of you proof that change is possible and worth continuing.

    Dapat napapansin ang improvement. Nagbibigay ito sa inyong dalawa ng proof na possible ang change at worth it ipagpatuloy.

  2. What is one quiet strength in our relationship right now?

    Ano yung isang quiet strength ng relationship natin ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Strength does not always have to be obvious. Naming what feels steady can give you both courage for what is still growing.

    Hindi kailangang obvious lagi ang strength. Kapag napangalanan ninyo kung ano yung steady, mas may courage kayo para sa mga bagay na lumalago pa.

  3. What is something I handled well recently that meant more to you than I realized?

    Ano yung isang bagay na nahandle ko nang maayos recently na mas malaking bagay pala sa'yo kaysa akala ko?

    Back of the card

    Specific appreciation helps your partner see what felt caring, steady, mature, or brave in real life.

    Nakakatulong ang specific appreciation para makita ng partner mo kung ano yung naging caring, steady, mature, o brave sa totoong buhay.

  4. What is one memory with me that still gives you a good feeling?

    Ano yung memory natin na hanggang ngayon good feeling pa rin para sa'yo?

    Back of the card

    Good memories are not only for nostalgia. They remind you what kind of connection is worth repeating.

    Hindi lang pang-nostalgia ang good memories. Pinapaalala nila kung anong klaseng connection ang worth ulitin.

Into year two

3 questions

One or two things to carry forward.

  1. What future plan feels exciting and realistic for us right now?

    Anong future plan ang exciting at realistic para sa atin ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Future talk does not have to feel pressuring. Hope can feel steadier when it has a real-life shape.

    Hindi kailangang may pressure ang future talk. Mas steady ang hope kapag may real-life shape siya.

  2. Name one thing that would make next month feel a little lighter.

    Magbanggit ng isang bagay na makakatulong para mas gumaan nang konti ang next month.

    Back of the card

    A lighter month does not have to mean a perfect one. Even one less weight can change how a season feels.

    Hindi kailangang perfect ang mas magaan na month. Kahit isang bawas na bigat, iba na ang pakiramdam ng season.

  3. Name one small hope that helps you keep going.

    Magbanggit ng isang maliit na hope na tumutulong sa'yo magpatuloy.

    Back of the card

    A small hope can still carry real strength. It may be quiet, but it is not nothing.

    May totoong lakas din ang maliit na hope. Tahimik man siya, hindi ibig sabihin wala siyang bigat.

How to use them

Before you ask

The first year of marriage goes better when you check in on purpose a few times: which routines you are forming, where the first frictions are, and what has gotten better in the way you talk. Married life settles into patterns quickly, and it is much easier to adjust them at month six than at year six.

The first year has a reputation for being the hardest, and part of that is surprise. You expected to be happy, and you are, but you didn’t expect to argue about how the dishwasher is loaded or whose parents get Thanksgiving. Planned check-ins make those surprises ordinary topics instead of fights.

Use each group as a separate date: a dinner around month three, a walk around six, an anniversary evening at twelve. If you’re already past one of those marks, just start where you are.

Good for

  • Monthsary dinners
  • A quarterly walk with no phones
  • The first anniversary
  • After the first big holiday season as a married couple
  • Couples who married young or quickly

Tips

  1. Schedule the check-ins now, while things are good.
  2. Describe patterns, not incidents: “we tend to…” rather than “last Tuesday you…”.
  3. Celebrate the month-twelve answers. Growth in year one is real.
  4. If the same friction shows up at every check-in, consider a counselor; many couples do in year one.
  5. Keep notes and read the month-three answers at month twelve.

Decks for this

How to run a first-year check-in

Keep it short and regular rather than long and rare. Forty minutes with three or four questions is plenty. Put it in the calendar so it doesn’t only happen after a bad week.

  • Open with something good: one thing each of you appreciated this month.
  • Ask two questions from the group for where you are in the year.
  • Pick one small change to try, not five.
  • Close warmly: plan something fun before you get up.

First year of marriage

Frequently asked questions

What should you talk about in the first year of marriage?

Your routines, how chores and time are shared, how you handle tension, and what is getting better. Checking in on these a few times during the year keeps small frictions from hardening into habits.

Is the first year of marriage the hardest?

It is often an adjustment year, because two sets of habits and expectations are merging. Talking about it openly and regularly makes it much easier.

How often should newlyweds have a relationship check-in?

Many couples do a short check-in once a month and a longer one every few months. Regular and brief works better than rare and heavy.

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