Questions · Engaged couples

Questions to ask before marriage, besides the guest list

Questions for engaged couples: about the homes you each grew up in, the stress of planning a wedding, the ordinary life you’re about to share, and the future, asked without pressure.

  • 26 questions
  • EN + TL on every card
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Kumustahan is a bilingual conversation card app: 1,200 questions in English and Filipino across 7 decks, with a short reflection on the back of every card.

Getting to know№ 33

Tell us about a small habit at home that you thought was normal for everyone.

Kuwento mo yung maliit na habit sa bahay na akala mo normal sa lahat.

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A note

Every home has its own normal. Sometimes you only notice it when another house does things differently.

Bawat bahay may sariling normal. Minsan doon mo lang napapansin kapag iba pala ang style sa ibang bahay.

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The questions

26 questions to ask before marriage

Every question in English and Filipino/Tagalog, word for word from the Kumustahan decks. Open “Back of the card” for the reflection printed on the other side.

The homes you each grew up in

6 questions

Family habits you’ll both bring along, whether you mean to or not.

  1. Tell us about a small habit at home that you thought was normal for everyone.

    Kuwento mo yung maliit na habit sa bahay na akala mo normal sa lahat.

    Back of the card

    Every home has its own normal. Sometimes you only notice it when another house does things differently.

    Bawat bahay may sariling normal. Minsan doon mo lang napapansin kapag iba pala ang style sa ibang bahay.

  2. As you got older, which habit at home started to make more sense to you?

    Habang tumatanda ka, anong habit sa bahay ninyo ang mas nagme-make sense na sa'yo ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Getting older can change the way you see home. A habit may look different once you know more of the story.

    Habang tumatanda, nag-iiba rin minsan ang tingin natin sa bahay. May habit na mas naiintindihan kapag alam mo na ang kuwento.

  3. Name the household item that becomes an issue when it goes missing.

    Sabihin yung gamit sa bahay na nagiging issue kapag nawawala.

    Back of the card

    Some objects are only appreciated when they disappear. Their absence somehow turns the whole house into a search party.

    May gamit na napapansin lang kapag nawawala. Bigla na lang buong bahay, search party na.

  4. Share one food rule your household still follows.

    Mag-share ng isang food rule na sinusunod pa rin sa bahay niyo.

    Back of the card

    House rules around food can be funny, practical, or oddly sacred. They carry the flavor of how people grew up.

    Yung food rules sa bahay, minsan funny, minsan practical, minsan oddly sacred. May flavor siya ng kinalakihan natin.

  5. At family gatherings, where do you usually end up: helping, chatting, eating, or observing?

    Kapag may family gathering, saan ka usually napupunta: tumutulong, nakikipagkwentuhan, kumakain, o nag-oobserve?

    Back of the card

    Gatherings bring out our natural moves. Some people serve, some talk, some watch, and some happily stay near the food.

    Sa gatherings, lumalabas yung natural move natin. May tumutulong, may nagkukuwento, may nag-oobserve, at may masaya sa tabi ng pagkain.

  6. Who is someone you respect for the way they live, even in small things?

    Sino yung taong nirerespeto mo sa paraan ng buhay niya, kahit sa maliliit na bagay?

    Back of the card

    Respect often begins with small, steady things. A simple habit can show a lot about how someone moves through life.

    Madalas nagsisimula ang respeto sa maliliit pero consistent na bagay. May simpleng habit na maraming sinasabi tungkol sa isang tao.

In the middle of wedding planning

6 questions

For the season of spreadsheets, suppliers and opinions from everyone.

  1. What do you appreciate about the way we handle busy seasons together?

    Ano yung naa-appreciate mo sa paraan natin kapag busy season?

    Back of the card

    Busy seasons can show what already works between you. Noticing those small systems makes them easier to repeat when life gets full again.

    Kapag busy season, lumalabas kung ano yung gumagana na sa inyo. Kapag napansin ninyo yung small systems, mas madali silang ulitin kapag puno ulit ang life.

  2. When one or both of us is tired, what do we already do that helps us stay kind to each other?

    Kapag pagod ang isa o pareho sa atin, ano yung nagagawa na natin na tumutulong para maging kind pa rin tayo sa isa't isa?

    Back of the card

    Tiredness can easily create distance. Noticing what already works helps you protect the small habits that keep you close.

    Madaling gumawa ng distance ang pagod. Kapag napansin ninyo kung ano na yung gumagana, mas naaalagaan ninyo yung small habits na nagpapanatiling close kayo.

  3. When plans change, how do you decide what to keep, drop, or adjust?

    Kapag nagbago ang plans, paano mo dini-decide kung ano ang itutuloy, bibitawan, o ia-adjust?

    Back of the card

    Changed plans show priorities quickly. Sometimes the real answer is comfort, people, responsibility, peace, or simply energy.

    Kapag nagbago ang plans, mabilis lumabas ang priorities. Minsan comfort, tao, responsibility, peace, o energy lang talaga.

  4. What might you need to say no to, pause, or limit so your week feels lighter?

    Ano yung kailangan mong hihindian, i-pause, o limitahan para mas gumaan ang week mo?

    Back of the card

    A boundary is not always a wall. Sometimes it is a small line that helps you stay present and honest.

    Hindi laging pader ang boundary. Minsan maliit na line lang siya para mas present at honest ka.

  5. When you are stressed, what signs do you wish I noticed sooner?

    Kapag stressed ka, anong signs ang sana mas napapansin ko agad?

    Back of the card

    Stress can show up as silence, busyness, or short replies. Knowing the signs helps your support arrive earlier.

    Minsan lumalabas ang stress sa tahimik, busy, o maikling sagot. Kapag alam mo ang signs, mas maagang dumarating ang support.

  6. Where do you feel pulled in two directions?

    Saan mo nararamdaman na hinihila ka sa dalawang direction?

    Back of the card

    Feeling pulled does not mean you are weak. It may mean two real things are asking for your attention.

    Hindi ibig sabihin mahina ka kapag nahihila sa dalawang direction. Baka dalawang totoong bagay lang ang humihingi ng pansin.

The everyday life you’re building

7 questions

Chores, routines, fairness and attention. The real wedding vows.

  1. What simple thing we do together makes you feel at home with me?

    Anong simpleng ginagawa natin together ang nagpaparamdam sa'yo na at home ka sa akin?

    Back of the card

    Home is not always a place. Sometimes it is a rhythm, a tone, or a person who helps you feel settled.

    Hindi laging lugar ang home. Minsan rhythm, tono, o tao siya na tumutulong sa'yo kumalma at maging settled.

  2. What is one chore, errand, or task that feels lighter when we do it as a team?

    Anong chore, errand, o task ang gumagaan kapag team tayo?

    Back of the card

    Teamwork is not only for big seasons. It also shows up in the small work of keeping life moving.

    Hindi lang pang-big season ang teamwork. Lumalabas din ito sa maliliit na gawain para gumalaw ang buhay.

  3. What part of our life needs more fairness, and feels safe enough to talk about calmly?

    Anong part ng buhay natin ang kailangan ng mas fairness, at kaya nating pag-usapan nang kalmado?

    Back of the card

    Fairness is easier to talk about when it is specific. One calm area is better than opening every frustration at once.

    Mas madaling pag-usapan ang fairness kapag specific. Mas okay ang isang kalmadong area kaysa sabay-sabay na buksan lahat ng frustration.

  4. What habit of ours do you hope we keep in the next season?

    Anong habit natin ang sana ituloy natin sa next season?

    Back of the card

    Keeping what works is also growth. Not every next step has to be about fixing a problem.

    Growth din ang pagpapatuloy ng gumagana. Hindi lahat ng next step kailangang tungkol sa pag-aayos ng problema.

  5. What is one little promise we keep well?

    Ano yung maliit na promise na maayos nating natutupad?

    Back of the card

    Trust grows through small kept promises. Seeing them clearly can make reliability feel less invisible.

    Lumalaki ang trust sa maliliit na promises na natutupad. Kapag nakita ang mga ito, hindi na invisible ang reliability.

  6. What boundary around time, phones, or attention would help us be more present with each other?

    Anong boundary sa time, phone, o attention ang makakatulong para mas present tayo sa isa't isa?

    Back of the card

    Boundaries are not always walls. Sometimes they protect the attention your relationship needs to feel connected.

    Hindi laging pader ang boundaries. Minsan pinoprotektahan nila yung attention na kailangan ng relationship para mas maramdaman ang connection.

  7. When I am trying to help with something you are dealing with, what makes my help feel supportive instead of controlling?

    Kapag tinutulungan kita sa pinagdadaanan mo, ano yung nagpaparamdam na supportive ako at hindi controlling?

    Back of the card

    Help lands better when it still respects your partner's choice. Good support helps them feel accompanied, not managed.

    Mas okay ang tulong kapag may respeto pa rin sa choice ng partner mo. Good support makes them feel na may kasama sila, hindi minamanage.

The future, gently

7 questions

Plans and worries, for a long, unhurried evening.

  1. What future plan feels exciting and realistic for us right now?

    Anong future plan ang exciting at realistic para sa atin ngayon?

    Back of the card

    Future talk does not have to feel pressuring. Hope can feel steadier when it has a real-life shape.

    Hindi kailangang may pressure ang future talk. Mas steady ang hope kapag may real-life shape siya.

  2. What is one fear about our future that you want me to understand gently?

    Ano yung isang fear mo tungkol sa future natin na gusto mong maintindihan ko nang dahan-dahan?

    Back of the card

    Future fears do not always need instant answers. Sometimes they first need a partner who can listen without rushing to fix them.

    Hindi laging kailangan ng instant answer ang future fears. Minsan kailangan muna ng partner na marunong makinig nang hindi minamadaling ayusin.

  3. What kind of consistency from me helps you feel more secure in us?

    Anong klaseng consistency mula sa akin ang tumutulong sa'yo maging mas secure sa atin?

    Back of the card

    Trust often grows through patterns, not one big moment. Naming the pattern helps your partner know what steadiness feels like to you.

    Madalas lumalalim ang trust sa patterns, hindi sa isang big moment lang. Kapag napangalanan ang pattern, mas alam ng partner mo kung ano ang steady para sa'yo.

  4. What kind of apology from me has felt sincere to you before?

    Anong klaseng sorry mula sa akin ang naramdaman mong sincere noon?

    Back of the card

    A real apology often has a shape: ownership, care, and a different response over time.

    Madalas may shape ang real apology: pag-own, care, at ibang response over time.

  5. Name something that matters to you more now than it used to.

    Magsabi ng isang bagay na mas mahalaga na sa'yo ngayon kaysa dati.

    Back of the card

    What matters can change as you grow. That shift is not betrayal; it may be a clearer kind of honesty.

    Puwedeng magbago ang mahalaga habang naggo-grow ka. Hindi agad betrayal yun; baka mas malinaw na honesty.

  6. Finish this sentence: “In this next season, I hope I get to experience...”

    Tapusin mo yung sentence: “Sa next season, sana ma-experience ko...”

    Back of the card

    This sentence can stay small or open wide. Either way, it gives your hope a place to begin.

    Puwedeng maliit lang o biglang lumawak yung sentence. Either way, may starting point yung hope mo.

  7. Point to one direction you feel drawn toward, even if it is not fully clear yet.

    Magbanggit ng isang direction na feeling mo tinutulak ka, kahit hindi pa fully clear.

    Back of the card

    Clarity sometimes arrives after movement. You can honor the direction without pretending you know the whole path.

    Minsan dumarating ang clarity habang gumagalaw ka na. Puwede mong i-honor ang direction nang hindi nagpapanggap na alam mo ang buong path.

How to use them

Before you ask

Engagement is supposed to be the romantic part, and then the planning starts: venues, budgets, two families with opinions, a guest list that keeps growing. Somewhere in there, the conversations about the actual marriage get pushed to “after the wedding.” These questions bring them back, gently, without making a single evening feel like an exam.

Start with the homes you grew up in, because that’s where most surprises come from: who did the chores, which food rules were law, how your parents handled a bad week. In Filipino families that can include how involved the relatives expect to be. Then talk about planning stress while you’re in it, and about the ordinary week you’re building after the reception.

If you’re doing a pre-marriage seminar or pre-Cana, these make easy homework between sessions; they don’t replace one. Money isn’t on these cards by name, but fairness and daily load are, and they open the door. Most cards come from the Couples deck; the Couples Edition has more. Every card is in English and Tagalog, handy when the lola wants to join in.

Good for

  • Newly engaged couples
  • A break from wedding planning
  • Between pre-marriage seminar or pre-Cana sessions
  • Couples moving in together
  • A quiet dinner, just the two of you

Tips

  1. Do one set per evening. The future questions deserve a night of their own.
  2. Keep wedding-planning talk off the table for that hour, except the stress questions.
  3. Answer about your family with affection, even the strange habits.
  4. Write down one thing you agree on and one thing to keep talking about.
  5. If a topic feels too big, name it and pick a day to come back to it.

Decks for this

Engaged couples

Frequently asked questions

What questions should you ask before marriage?

Ask about the homes you grew up in, how chores and daily load will be shared, how you each handle stress and apologies, and what future plans feel exciting and realistic. The everyday questions matter as much as the big ones.

What should engaged couples talk about?

Family expectations, how you’ll divide the work of a home, how you each need support in busy seasons, money habits, and the fears you both carry about the future. Talking about them early makes the first years easier.

How do you handle stress while planning a wedding?

Check in with each other about the planning, not just the tasks: what you each need, what you can say no to, and one evening a week where the wedding isn’t the topic.

Are these questions for pre-Cana or a pre-marriage seminar?

They work well alongside one, as conversations to have at home between sessions. They are not a substitute for a seminar or for counseling if you need it.

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